Harvard-trained psychologist phrases healthy couples don’t say

In functional romantic relationships, it’s psychologically healthy to feel a deep sense of belonging and attachment. However, becoming overly reliant on another person to feel whole, healed and secure is not only harmful to our wellbeing — it can damage relationships over time. 

This behavior is often referred to in mental health circles as codependency. People in codependent relationships develop a strong, unhealthy devotion to their partner, often at the expense of their own needs, because their identity revolves around taking care of and gaining approval from the other person. 

As a Harvard-trained psychologist who frequently works with clients with relationship issues, I have found that healthy relationships of all kinds require trust, vulnerability, and some degree of interdependence, rather than codependence. 

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At its core, interdependence is an understanding that relationships are a collaboration. Hallmarks of interdependence are mutual support, shared decision making, healthy boundaries and honoring each other’s individuality.

Here are 9 phrases healthy, thriving and interdependent couples don’t say: 

People who are codependent in relationships often try to hide, ignore or deny their own internal experiences, focusing all their energy on being there for the other person.

This self-sacrificing behavior is often part of an unconscious attempt to get a measure of control over a situation. But we all have needs.

The interdependent goal is that the needs, desires, dreams and wants of both partners are honored, supported and appreciated — and no one asks the other to give too much of themselves.

Codependency is ultimately a need to maintain a relationship at all costs because a person’s wellbeing and sense of security is based on that relationship.

As such, people in codependent relationships tend to avoid conflict whenever possible. If it emerges, instead of communicating their thoughts, feelings or perspective, they are likely to be passive aggressive or seem detached.

Interdependent couples will share how they feel, what they want, and then will listen to their partner’s response. They know that this practice will build a stronger bond, even when they disagree. 

People in codependent relationships often have a hard time saying “no” or setting healthy boundaries because meeting the needs of others is more important than tending to their own. 

Fear of rejection or ridicule leads them to do what others want even when it’s inconvenient, difficult, enables bad behavior, or is a violation of their personal values.

People in interdependent relationships, however, understand that they can say “no” and set boundaries without fear of retribution. They can acknowledge what the other person wants in a respectful way, and have the freedom to authentically say “no.”  

People in…